And so I thought I was on the top of the game. I thought I was the one owning it. I thought I owned my power but now it seems like I’m losing it all. I’m losing the game. I’m losing myself.
How it started, I was vulnerable and he was too. We started playing this game two years ago, a lot happened after. We stopped, and we played again. We’ve been playing too much and we just didn’t care. I mean I thought I didn’t care, but eventually I did. I don’t know.
There’s a lot of question. What if I’m the only one who wants this all this time? What he’s been telling someone? Is he sending me signals? Is this still a game? Am I still playing around or I’ve been taking all of these seriously?
But why should I care really? My friends told me, “If you want to play around, play around. Be consistent. There is no room for emotions. It’s supposed to be a game. You’re not supposed to take it seriously”. Well, they didn’t really tell me exactly that but if you sum up what they’ve been telling me, well, that’s it.
Until one day, there’s a moment of epiphany. It was all fucking clear now, crystal, actually.
I thought he’s been sending me signals. Or I thought he was. It doesn’t even matter. I mean he’s sending me different signals but this one now, I truly get it. This means that I should stop playing. We’re not getting anywhere. What was I thinking there could be something?
All these time I’ve been setting standards. I mean I’ve been making him my only standard. That’s why I’m not getting elsewhere, stuck even.
I’m awake but my eyes are not open. I should say no. I will say no.